


He Sees You When You're Sleeping, He Knows When You're Awake...

by Ninja_Librarian



Series: Shidgemas 2018 [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AKA the creepiest thing known to mankind, Author does not like Elf on a Shelf, Elf on the Shelf, Established married Shidge, F/M, If you like Elf on the Shelf don't read, Shidgemas Preview
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 22:16:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16921431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninja_Librarian/pseuds/Ninja_Librarian
Summary: Or, Elf on the Shelf: A Cautionary Tale





	He Sees You When You're Sleeping, He Knows When You're Awake...

**Author's Note:**

> A preview piece for Shidgemas that starts next week! For more information, go here: https://merry-shidgemas.tumblr.com/

“Um, Pidge? Shiro?” Lance said hesitantly. “Are all of those… are all of those presents under the tree for your dog?”

“Yeah,” Pidge said, sipping her eggnog.

“Pretty much,” Shiro said sheepishly.

“Okay…” Hunk said, glancing at his friends apprehensively. “Look, no judgement, but that’s a lot of dog toys. I mean, I get it, Chewie is your fur baby and all—”

“Chewie deserves everything under the tree.” Pidge deadpanned.

“We weren’t going to deny that, we were just—” Lance said.

“No, Chewie deserves more than that,” Shiro said, his expression just as serious. “We owe it to him. He saved our lives.”

“Uh,” Keith said, glancing at Hunk, Lance and Allura. “You mean that literally or metaphorically speaking?”

“Yes.” They said.

“It was horrible,” Shiro shuddered. “We’ve faced so many terrible, horrific things as Paladins, but this… this doesn’t compare.”

“What doesn’t compare?” Allura asked.

“Whatever it is, it’s gone now, right?” Hunk asked nervously. “It’s not, like, still in the house is it?”

“No, it’s long gone.” Pidge said. She knelt down to pet the large dog at her feet on the head. “Our hero vanquished the evil. It will never haunt anyone again.”

“You still haven’t said what ‘it’ is,” Keith pointed out.

There was silence, then Shiro whispered, “We will tell you a story. A story about how we almost ended up on one of those shows about what happens when you bring cursed or possessed objects into your home.”

“It was all my fault,” Pidge said, walking over to the drinks table and pouring rum into her eggnog. “I was _that_ white girl. The one who was clueless and naïve and brought evil into the house. I would have been the first to die. And rightfully so.”

“Wh-What did you bring into the house?” Allura asked, her eyes wide.

Both Shiro and Pidge turned to her, their eyes blank as they said in a monotone,

“Elf on the Shelf.”

*****

It happened innocently. The doll wasn’t found at a dimly lit antique store or pawn shop with a creepy older person gleefully telling them to buy it. Or cryptically warning against it. No, it was at a brightly-lit Goodwill, where Pidge had been hunting for old sweaters. Pidge was pro-do-minimal-work in regards to wrapping presents, so when she had seen a post on one of her rare jaunts on Pinterest about how to turn old sweaters into gift bags.

So Pidge thought, hey, a few bucks well spent and she’d have festive, reusable gift wrappings for years to come. The way she figured it was, one year of more work than usual would lead to less work for years to come.

To Goodwill she went. She found a few sweaters and was about to walk up to the register when she saw… It.

Sitting there. On the shelf. With its little smile and rosy cheeks and stupid felt hat and its hands in its lap.

It was a dollar-fifty.

She grinned suddenly. She had never had an Elf on the Shelf growing up. It had never been something she or Matt had been interested in, though it seemed that all of their Christmas-celebrating friends had them. So Pidge knew how it worked.

And because she was an evil little gremlin, she bought it because she knew she could get a rise out of Shiro with it. Spook him without running the risk of triggering his PTSD.

Pidge added it to the pile.

*****

Shiro came home at his usual time, ready to shed off his winter gear. So he stood at the door, taking his time as he took off his shoes, unwound his scarf, put his gloves on the entryway table. He happened to take a glance in the mirror and…

“AAAAH!” Shiro yelped. From within the house, he heard a cackle and he scowled. There was the scampering, skittering sound of claws on the floor and Chewie came running into the entryway, barking, looking around for what scared Dad. Shiro pet Chewie on the head to calm him down as he yelled, “PIDGE!”

“Yes?” Pidge said, batting her eyelashes as she poked her head into the room.

“Just what,” Shiro said, removing the Elf from between the painting and the wall on the opposite side of the entryway. “The quiznak is this?”

“An Elf on the Shelf.”

“A what?”

“You don’t know what an Elf on the Shelf is?”

“I know what an elf is, but this one is nowhere near a shelf, so explain.”

Pidge laughed. “So, little kids get an Elf, and the Elf reports to Santa throughout December if a kid’s been naughty or nice. Parents move the Elf around at night so the kids think it moves on its own, going to the North Pole and back and stuff.”

Shiro frowned and looked at the doll in his hand. “That’s… Kind of creepy.”

“Oh, it is.” Pidge said, turning on her heel to go back towards the kitchen. She threw a grin over her shoulder. “Why do you think I bought it?”

Shiro fumed silently as his wife walked away, laughing again. He glared down at the Elf.

_This means war, Pidge. This. Means. War._

*****

Pidge was mumbling curses under her breath as she walked towards her car. She was running late, and she had already spilled half her coffee, and then she dropped her keys into Chewie’s water bowl. She got into her car, slamming the door as she went. She went to put the key in the ignition and,

“AAAAH!”

She was glad she had already set down her coffee.

Pidge frowned at the Elf, sitting on her steering wheel. She knew exactly who put it there, too.

 _Okay, Shiro,_ she thought, tossing the Elf into the passenger seat. _We’ll play this game, you and I. But we both know who will win._

*****

Shiro yawned as he opened the medicine cabinet above the bathroom sink, still bleary eyed and reluctant to begin the day.

He was even more reluctant when the cabinet door swung open and he was face-to-face with the Elf.

Only half-awake, it was safe to say that this was quite a bit of a shock and he let out a scream.

Then he marched back into the bedroom and stood over his wife, arms crossed over his chest. To his frustration, she was pretending to be asleep, a smirk on her lips.

“Katie…” He growled.

Pidge cracked open an eye. “I take it you’re not here for a good-morning kiss.”

Shiro tossed the Elf onto her and said, “You have made a powerful enemy, my dear. Sleep with one eye open tonight.”

Pidge laughed as Shiro marched back into the bathroom.

*****

Pidge yawned, only one thing on her mind.

_Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee…_

She turned on the coffee pot, already prepped from the night before because pre-coffee Pidge was useless.

She opened the cabinet with the mugs and…

Pidge let out a shriek, quickly followed by an angry, “TAKASHI SHIROGANE!”

She grabbed the Elf out of her mug and marched to the bathroom, barging in and throwing aside the shower curtain, too angry to truly appreciate the sight of her naked husband with hot water raining down on him.

All she really took notice of was his self-satisfied smirk.

“I take it you’re not here for a good-morning kiss,” He said smugly, throwing her own words from the day before back in her face.

With a growl, Pidge shoved the Elf in his face.

“You’re going to regret this, Shirogane!” She snapped.

Shiro only laughed.

Pidge stormed out, slamming the bathroom door behind her.

He was going to pay…

*****

That Elf ended up in a variety of unexpected places over the next week.

Shiro found the Elf waiting for him on his desk the next day, freaking out his poor intern as he yelped in surprise then yelled Pidge’s name, though she wasn’t even there to hear his frustration.

Pidge found the Elf inside her lunchbox and her co-workers watched her hurl the Elf across the room with a series of alien curse words.

Shiro found the Elf ‘piloting’ the Atlas, and for his rage to increase as Veronica gave the Elf a job on the bridge as well as a rank.

Pidge found the Elf ‘piloting’ the Green Lion, complete with a miniature Paladin helmet and cardboard sign that read ‘Form Voltron!’.

The Elf was found holding knives in the kitchen, playing with Pidge’s bras, and other places where he really shouldn’t have been.

Until the morning that Pidge and Shiro sat on opposite sides of the breakfast table, sipping their beverages, glaring at each other, not speaking.

Neither was certain of the location of the Elf.

Neither knew that the other didn’t know the location of the Elf.

So both were just silently waiting, waiting to see where the Elf would turn up.

The anticipation was killing them both.

But Pidge was not a patient woman, so she thumped her mug of coffee down on the table and leaned across the table and growled, “Where’d you put it?”

Shiro sat up straighter and leaned across the table, snapping, “Where’d _I_ put it? _I_ hid it yesterday. _You_ are the one who had it last. Where’d _you_ put it?”

“Oh, a likely story,” Pidge sneered. “That’s what you want me to think. So that I’m completely off-guard when the Elf shows up, I don’t know, in the freezer or… or…”

Shiro got to his feet and yelled, “Is it in the freezer?”

He went over and threw open the freezer peering in, looking under bags of frozen vegetables and half empty boxes of popsicles.

There was no Elf.

Shiro slammed the freezer door shut.

As he sat back down, there was the sound of paws padding into the room, Chewie’s tail wagging as he walked in, tongue lolling out, looking particularly pleased with himself.

“Have you fed the dog this morning?” Shiro asked Pidge, still eyeing her warily.

“No,” Pidge said. Then she frowned. “Why?” Then she stormed to her feet, marching over to the bucket of dog food, pointing to it. “Is this where the Elf is?” She opened the lid, peering inside. Nothing but kibble. With a huff, Pidge scooped food into Chewie’s bowl, the dog hurrying over to eat. Pidge gently pat the dog on the head as he ate, then she frowned.

“Babe,” She said, plucking something white and fluffy out of Chewie’s dark brown fur. “What does this look like to you?”

Shiro came over and investigated, his brow furrowing. “Stuffing? Like in a pillow or…”

They both froze, staring at each other.

Then they made a mad scramble towards the living room, skidding to a halt in the doorway.

There, scattered in a dozen pieces of felt and fluff, was the remains of the Elf on the Shelf, its decapitated head underneath the Christmas tree, still smiling.

Pidge and Shiro stood silent for a moment as Chewie walked back in, sitting behind the carnage, looking rather pleased with himself.

Then, Pidge whispered, “The evil… it has been vanquished…”

“It’s a Christmas miracle,” Shiro whispered, tears in his eyes. “God bless us, every one.”

*****

“And that is why Chewie has so many presents,” Shiro said, scratching the Good Boy in question behind the ears. “Because he saved our lives from the greatest evil ever known: Elf on the Shelf.”

“Don’t do Elves, kids. Don’t do Elves…” Pidge whispered.

She and Shiro both shuddered.

Allura had her hands pressed together and against her mouth, eyes closed as if praying for patience or for her friends’ souls. Lance was doubled over, halfway hanging over the end of the couch, giggling with a hand over his mouth. Hunk pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh. Keith just nodded.

“Duly noted,” He said. “Duly noted…”

Chewie the Christmas hero was lauded with gifts and praise and belly-rubs.

And his foolish humans would never, ever bring another evil into the house again.

**Author's Note:**

> I worked in a chain bookstore for three years during undergrad. Every October, those little Elves were brought out. They never went on sale (and guess who was on the receiving end of the grumpy looks every time I had to politely explain that to customers? That's right, me and my fellow hard-working booksellers, not the stupid Elves in question; the Elves could _never_ do anything wrong, no...), and they were always on a display directly across from the cash register. Working retail at Christmas is always hard enough without those stupid. Little. Faces. Staring at you. Every shift. Watching you. Judging you. Sitting there, smiling easily, effortlessly, while you toil away.
> 
> That, and I've read enough dystopian novels to know that anything that 'reports' back to an authority figure regarding your behavior is really a terrifying idea.
> 
> Don't do Elves, kids. Don't do Elves...


End file.
